slip slidin' away

taking deeper breaths into the abyss instead of away from it causes thunder to erupt in the form of resistance and slacking. then it mutates into insight and gentleness. if i play my cards right.
we're all butterflies, it's just that some of us are in the chrysalis stage, and others are dancing in flight.
i'm a caterpillar, climbing up the tree of experience.
i've fallen down a few times.
let's call it soul-gravity, and let's also say that it's very intense.
i know that some of you raw-sters out there have been generous with your sharing of your cooked-to-raw experiences- good, bad, ugly and whatnot, but i'd like to put my two pence into the mix. the telling of any story is cathartic even if over-stimulating or painful in the beginning. that's why it is soo important to share and communicate with one another. it can be isolating when making any grand changes in our life, regardless of the goodness or intent behind them.
so- here goes.
like alice down the rabbit hole, i literally fell into the world of raw. being veg [and mostly vegan] for the last 24 years, it did not appear to be a big deal...
looking around, some things appeared familiar and other things were a splendiferous anomaly. the challenge was to put the logical pieces together with the intuitive pieces, to complete a health-puzzle, for which what seems like lifetimes, was and is not joined. self-knowledge through the reading of the body. soul-knowledge analyzed by the flowing through and blockages around everyday existence. literally- creative anarchy.
my body demands raw and living foods. my soul perks right up.
but my brain and personality/character are brazen and they rebel- like teenagers. do i punish them? no- i listen to them. after all, no-one else will. the most resistant of emotions or thoughts i experience are the most important lesson-bearers of my transition, which i thought would not take as long. but i'm more complicated than alice, and have a lifetime of living to sort through if i am willing to live honestly. and i am. for me that's a stripping away through the years of conflicted feel-ing. we as americans reward goodness and achievement with food and/or alcohol. we celebrate our growing with sugar and unnatural blends of foods that at one time were real. grandma kisses the bump on the knee then makes cookies to soothe. the fact that many of us were medicated and rewarded with food is no shock. remove the reward system and the shock is shocking! for example- i got a new job, and what did we do to celebrate? nothing. owch. bump on the knee indeed. but no kiss or cookies from grandma. ready- set- go... trigger time. i do not want to substitute raw for cooked crap. i want to not want the crap. perhaps i am just one hyper-aware woman in a sea of those who do not wish to delve into the mire. i don't know. either that's true, or people are afraid to talk openly [to a stranger] about the emotional issues re: raw living after years of pleasurable cooking and eating. maybe the hippy-dippy-ism i sometimes encounter is bullshit. perhaps the lucky souls have had amazing and perfect lives, untouched by anything negative related to food or emotions. or they are robots. or just strangers. it's strange.
i know i am an unusually open person. closing myself off is something i absolutely cannot afford. it can be deadly for me. literally. openness and sharing is so vital, if i am not constantly open, i am not in the flow. my personal thoughts and ideas are not necessarily included in the openness equation. there is enough for me to keep private, and more than enough to share.
so i wanted to share the fact that in the last few weeks, or a month even, it has been so incredibly hard for me to be as raw as i'd like, due to the sprained ankle, the art festival i was involved in, and the new job combo. not being able to maneuver around the kitchen and pantry was a bust. i hopped and hobbled as best as i could, but my body cried out for the comforts of heated yumyums. so i ate them. and i secretly berated myself for not sticking with such a wholesome and health diet in the time of distress. i caved in to the opposite of what i "needed." and like dominoes, it set a motion in play which got out of control.
so- do i look up to the sky, or deeper down into the rabbit hole, all the while thinking "what now?"
i start from scratch.
those cookies grandma made were sweet.
what do i replace them with?
empty answers and the lack of celebration?
my energy is lulling and i'm hungry often.
i am short in patience with loved ones. very rare for me.
i have been having the most unrealistic yet horribly realistic nightmares lately.
i want to go back to school and complete my degree already.
i'd like to go swimming at the beach down the street, but it's not clean enough for that.
start from scratch.
be okay with the headaches. all over again. chill out more. go out less. kale kale kale. and collards. and chard. let some gunk out. heartfelt gunk. i have a plethora of gunk-globules to garnish the world with.
i spent years cooking for fun and for a living. i have penned notebooks filled with recipes i will never make again- not for myself anyway. this makes me very upset. i miss the creative joy derived from sharing nutrition i may never again be able to replicate raw. it's like if someone told me i could never paint with watercolors again, or use black and white film. how dare they?!?!? but it's me telling me what's best, so i rebel against myself. i had general tso's tofu. delicious and gross simultaneously. i had too much fermented imbibements when out with friends. and felt crappy for 2 days. angels and devils on both shoulders- having a screaming match that never resolves itself. i choose the high road. choose. not that it's an easy choice mind you. it's choosing the roller-coaster that you know may make you barf, but doing it anyway, because it's the most thrilling ride yet.
buckle up, it's gonna be a doozy.